Two years of marriage, Two Lessons Learnt
Why is the second year of marriage the hardest?
“Is marriage worth it?” One of my girl friends asked me recently. The other day my married friend asked, “Why is the second year of marriage the hardest?” May be it is or May be not.
Well, today, two years ago, my husband and I exchanged our vows. Meaning we have had our second year down!
Though two years might not seem like a long time. The experiences we’ve shared have taught us more than we ever could have imagined.
But, I can say each challenge and each moment has taught us something new about ourselves and each other.
And as we look back on the moments that have brought us closer! we’re excited for all the adventures that still lie ahead. And its these lessons that we intend to share in this article.
I stood looking out from the balcony of the hotel room in Kampala where I had slept. It was a night before our wedding day. 19th March, 2021. Exactly two years ago!
As I looked out I did wonder, ” Am I prepared enough for the promise I am about to make?”. I remember vividly, dashing down the hotel stairs to divert my attention away from my decision. And may be reconsider it.
I was bothered. I wanted to call it off immediately. I seemed not to understand any more why I should be getting married. It was a feeling of doubt! or may be fear!
As I walked down the stairs, I met my then Fiancé and to be husband on the second floor. He had come to ask me about… I don’t quite remember very well, may be his watch? Yes! it was his watch!.
He looked troubled. My mind concluded this was a sign. I must call it off!
But then something unexpected happened! Before he asked, he hugged me. As we hugged each other at that moment, It seemed, His heart said something real. Something, that carried greatness than the odds that appeared layered against us.
It was mysterious. Warmth swept across in the air of our presence. We stood still on the staircases. No one said a word.
That was the moment I felt a surge of bliss and comfort. I returned to the loft, this time convinced this is the man. And all set for the white gown.
Picture this: it’s our second year wedding anniversary, wow! two years! right? So small a journey. But….Yes! Today was the day.
My husband and I have involuntarily spent far too much time in bed. Reminiscing about the previous two years? May be thinking about trials and tribulations? Or planning a trip away for our anniversary? Not at all.
I woke up to my husband’s visual dreams on email, with pictures from google. And the conversation has since been;
A home set office, fancy home library. Self employed. No rush for late coming at work. No calls from bosses. No constant trailing employers for salary worked for. Wow! this is his dream for me.
That seems like a dream for me too. Though! this makes me think people don’t change, moments and situations do.
These were the very dreams he shared with me, four years ago. Way before we thought about our wedding. How I enjoyed those talks and tales of fancy living!
Meanwhile, we seem to have shared a lifetime of experiences as we talk now. And I can’t help but be grateful for everything we’ve learned along the way.
From navigating arguments to learning how to compromise. We have had a share of our trials and tribulations as my husband calls it. That situation when things don’t seem to make sense, you know.
So, with our second anniversary in the books! I want to take some time to reflect on the question my friend asked me. Is marriage worth it?
I will now dive into my story. I will share my personal experience, two lessons I’ve learned in our marriage so far and regrets? Haaha No! and my opinion on whether marriage is worth it or not.
First of all, my husband is a home person, he is an introvert and routine kind. Its either work or home and home time is movie time. He binge watches.
No many people around him. No parties or events of numbers. This was his very life, years before we dated.
When we started dating, his life seemed to change a bit to please me but not for long of course. Work, town, home. Town to meet his girlfriend. More on the day we met.
But, I am the opposite. I get bored with places and situations and I hate routine. I love reading books in my free time not watching movies. I also love being around people, talking and laughing. I love to party, I love being out with my girls. But I also love my “Me” time. Me time for me means zero human beings around me.
First year, first months, the only time we were not together was while at work. My husband wanted to fit as much as I wanted.
So, we went for church. Church events. Marriage seminars. Birthdays. Showers. Every kind of party. We moved together always, we still do but on some occasions we don’t. We also hosted people around home. I had sisterhood overnights. We visited our couple friends. And of course he read some books and I watched movies.
Yet, this must have exhausted my indoor husband so much. I loved the experiences, now that I even had someone to move with. But, it soon exhausted me likewise.
We had a lot of marriage sessions together and of course advice from right left and center. We all had our fears and zero knowledge on how marriage ought to be. The option we had was to try as much to live according to the advice we received. Some has so far worked for us but most of it has not.
Whereas I was moving out, having fun, I missed myself. I wanted my “Me” time which had disappeared. At home, I was always with my husband. Away from home, we are together for an event or hosted or hosting.
I failed on this soon. I gave up. I wanted time which they had warned me about in some Senga sessions.
The more I tried to deny myself this opportunity, the more boring I started finding my life. It was exciting to be around my husband and other people but something more. My husband got exhausted with being around people too.
So I have worked on finding times where I can be by myself. Among the things has been to set a one person space I call it my chapel , for my private prayer and meditation time. This has given my husband time to be by himself too. Watch movies, do his own stuff, have private prayer time.
For our second year, its been more on self discovery which is a process. More on what is it that works for us? what are we happy doing? Do we actually want to be part of this activity? How does being part of this community make us feel? Do you actually want to join me for this event? Do you want some time alone? I am tired I can’t cook! can you help? You want this, I want that, how much is available?
I love it! I love to do things with a willing and happy heart. This year my husband went for a wedding party alone for the first time. He was happy to do so. He had his boys not me. I stayed home, I was happy to stay. I had a good time alone and was happy to see him back.
When we got married I loved being out, today I prefer being home. Tomorrow is a story of its own. I am evolving. Things I love today might change tomorrow. My husband is equally evolving.
With all this, what are my two lessons in the two years of marriage?
I have learnt, First, that marriage is not a prison sentence. Its not a drama stage to play roles. I must be present as Me. Not as the person I dream of being or someone they told me I should be. Not someone my husband wants me to be. Its real life situation for real life people. I must live it authentically Me.
Second. There is what is expected and there what is real for us. No set rules on stone to follow. No opposing life. Not at least with us. Compromise is key but not to the extent of loosing oneself. We equally deserve happiness. We define our journey, adjust according to what is present. And what we deem fit for the situation. No pre-set route. Life just happens.
My husband’s two lessons in the two years of marriage?
Here is what my husband says are his two lessons in marriage so far.
“I So far, I have learnt that the same challenges, you face while single are the exact challenges you face when married. If you are unhappy single you will definitely be unhappy when married. Same challenges; financial struggles, need for patience, compromise, responsibilities. All these cut across the two level”
” I have also learnt that there is quite a difference in the traditional expectations of what marriage should be and the reality that comes with marriage. Things like the man must provide. There are instances when I am not able. Not because I want or I am not working. But circumstances dictate! A woman must do all housework, it doesn’t work. You will end up frustrating each other.”
is marriage worth it?
yes it is, for me, it is as worth as going to school. School will be bad news to some and good news to others. We get lessons and learn skills. Have fun and make memories. Make lasting friendships and connections. And become better people.
“Marriage is worth it. But, Getting worth out of marriage is incumbent on an individual. Marriage is like a fertile soil, you get into it, decide what you do with it as two partner farmers. Leave weed to deplete it or uproot the weed, plant good seeds, water it and get its value” Says my husband.
We are looking forward to lessons from our third and many more years to come. Happy Anniversary to us.
Happy Anniversary my Dear Wife.
I love you dearly
Thanks love. Happy anniversary to us
Great lessons, there. Happy 2nd anniversary and many more ahead.
Thanks so much Pavel.
I’m thrilled to read through your so far marriage journey and the different experiences so far. And my husband and I wish you nothing but a forever happiness, peace and more growth.
Happy anniversary our people The Ahabwe’s. We cherish you
Thanks so much Murungi. We love you too and your husband.
Beautiful piece
Thanks so much Judith for reading
The 2 lesson I have learnt in your 2yrs of marriage are;
1. When Forever meets Always, Forever becomes the best version of herself always. ( I have seen a different but beautiful inner person on you who’s almost like the one I have always known but better than her, I sincerely love her more)
2. That you are my best friend no matter where you are. While at campus ( which was far from where you studied) it felt obvious, that during holidays I would come back and love you the way I wished everyone near you to love you, and I thought it’s what made me feel you were my best friend. Now in marriage, I was very sure that Mr. Ahabwe was/is loving you 1000times better than how I ever wished someone to love you. After your honeymoon I started feeling confident that I didn’t need to :
“protect you” because I was sure he was doing it better.
worry about your bad eating habit, because I called you once, and you said you had learnt to eat well.
Etc………
But after all that, I am actually more sure that you are my best friend. ( I know you understand my bad writing skills 😅 you always get right message)
Happy 2nd yr anniversary my first ever Bride and best friend.
I thank you so much for reading dream gal
Eeeh dream gal thanks so much
Wow, my highlight is there is a difference between traditional expectations and real life ….. Key word don’t get frustrated trying to stick on the traditional, truly I have also realized this is so very true. Happy anniversary 🎉
Thanks so much Flavish. Waiting for your story too
Beautiful piece. Happy anniversary beautiful people❤️❤️❤️
Itís nearly impossible to find educated people in this particular subject, however, you seem like you know what youíre talking about! Thanks